


I’ll Miss You Forever

by LucidNova



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Childhood Friends, Friends to Lovers, Homophobia, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Post-Canon, Sad, Unresolved Romantic Tension, Weddings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-23
Updated: 2021-02-16
Packaged: 2021-03-11 00:00:33
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,375
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28255824
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LucidNova/pseuds/LucidNova
Summary: Oikawa returns to his hometown for the wedding of his childhood best friend, Iwaizumi. The story ventures through flashbacks of their high school endeavors and current situation.
Relationships: Iwaizumi Hajime/Oikawa Tooru
Kudos: 17





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This may or may not be my first fic so bear with me

**CHAPTER l**

Tooru knew when he received the fancy, emblazoned letter. He knew as he opened it, sighing at its contents.  _ You’re invited to witness the matrimony of Yuki Sashita and Hajime Iwaizumi,  _ written in extravagant golden calligraphy onto a white card. These few words made him ache, but the only external signal was the twitch of his eyebrow. Of course, no one around him noticed. After all, who would worry at Tooru’s minimal expressions? Certainly not anyone he’s ever known, at least almost anyone. 

After all three of his teammates left his apartment, Tooru slid open the drawer he’d put the wedding invitation in. Staring at the ornate piece of cardstock, he pondered;  _ It’s nothing like Iwa would ever pick. _ However, the two of them had fallen out of touch, and maybe Iwaizumi’s tastes had changed. Maybe Yuki was to blame for that, because they were getting married after all.  _ Why didn’t he tell me?  _ He couldn’t understand why Hajime hadn’t had the decency to at least call. He also didn’t know why his heart hurt so much.  _ It must be because he didn’t tell me.  _ After all, Hajime had been his best friend eternally, and to keep such an important thing from him was like shoving him off a cliff. That’s what it felt like, anyways.

Oikawa lay in bed, contemplating what went wrong in the past decade. Yuki was a lovely girl, from what he remembered. She went to Seijou, and she once even came to a game. _Was she looking at Hajime?_ _Did she already love him?_ He pulled the sheets tighter around himself, thoughts twisting around him. For some reason, he couldn’t sleep. Flicking on the lamp, he put on his reading glasses, then grabbed the mystery novel off his nightstand. It was something he had picked up in all the years of professional volleyball, needing a distraction from all of the combined stress, and missing home. He found that he could always disassociate from the weight on his shoulders through a compelling mystery. Turning the pages, a slow smile crept up his lips. _I knew it, the chef was in cahoots with the doctor._

嫉妬

The flight was long and sleepless, but Tooru spent it riveted in his new book. This one was intricately diverting, which made him gasp on multiple occasions, much to the annoyance of the old woman sitting next to him. He made sure to nod at her in apology after the flight, sending a small wink in her direction. She blushed, curtly looking away, and he chuckled.  _ I still have it. _

Oikawa told his teammates and friends in Argentina that he would be gone for the next week, just because he was visiting home. It made sense that he was visiting, since he had not done so in a few months. Last time he had, he only saw Iwaizumi briefly and by coincidence. At the grocery store, they ran into each other, and they shared obligatory conversation. 

“How’s the team?”

“They’re alright, and I can already tell it’s going to be a hectic season. We’re restless for the first match.” Iwa’s eyes had been dodgy, searching the room for something, anything that was not Oikawa. It was unusually tense.

“Well, play nicely-,” his phone started buzzing, “Er- sorry, I’m getting a call.”

“It’s fine, nice to see you,” 

Hajime had nodded and left, without buying whatever he had intended. Tooru stared after him, shocked at the frowningly formal interaction.  _ Well, nice to see you too.  _ It was starkly different from how things had been a decade ago, when the two of them were thick as thieves. Standing there, in the middle of the store, he reminisced to when they would frequent it after practice. How their hands would brush as they simultaneously reached for the last orange juice. How they would bicker for minutes until Iwa finally gave in, and Tooru would playfully throw an arm around his shoulder. 

Now, walking through the airport, he wondered.  _ Had that been, by chance, Yuki calling? _

不満

Knocking on the door of his childhood home, Tooru rocked anxiously on his feet. His mother’s aging face appeared, and he gave a dutiful smile.

“Hi mom.”

“Hello- oh, Tooru, you’ve got garish eye bags, did you get any sleep last night?”

“Well I’m preparing for a match, so you know how it is.” Tooru’s mother receded into the house, and he followed, falling into familiar habits. He looked around, taking in the house’s interior, which hadn’t changed in the slightest.

“You mustn’t over exert yourself as much, you have to make room for a wife. You know, I met that Sashita that Hajime’s marrying, she’s a perfect girl. Well rounded. You need to find someone like that.” He nodded. Even though he had dated many women in his life, none of them came close to being marriage material. When he was young, he used to think:  _ I don’t think I’ll ever get married. _ How he wished he could abide by that statement, as marriage seemed like an ominous contract that was fated to crash and burn.

“Yes, I’ll look once the season’s over.”

“Oh, whatever happened to that nice girl you were dating, Mai-chan? Or was it Maeko-chan?”

“They both broke up with me.” In truth, he broke up with both of them, but his mom would be furious if she knew that.

Tooru’s room evoked untapped nostalgia, things he kept in a dilapidated cardboard box in the corner of his mind. It seemed insignificant at first, but as he attempted to settle in, something felt off kilter. There was a missing puzzle piece.  _ Hajime. _ He spent his whole childhood with Hajime: in this room, on volleyball courts, in the essential nooks and crannies of Miyagi. Lying down on his twin-sized bed, he looked to the footboard, which Iwaizumi would sit against, reading his sports magazines. He would sit there, oblivious to Tooru observing his focused face. Closely noticing the way his eyebrows would crease, the way he would slowly blink when he got tired. Again, that ache returned. Snapping out of it, Tooru came back to the present, and the ache did not dissipate. He questioned himself,  _ Is something wrong with me? _

帰郷

It was inevitable that they would meet again, but Oikawa could not fathom the fact. He was on a run, pacing the streets of Miyagi, as he noticed a familiar face appear out of a door. It was a tailor shop, the same one they had visited often as teenagers. 

Iwa bore a large plastic bag in one arm,  _ probably his goddamn wedding suit, _ Oikawa assumed.

“Hey!” Iwa’s head turned as he noticed Oikawa barreling towards him. Tooru could not see him well, but he imagined the surprise on Iwaizumi’s face at the sight of him. As he got closer, Oikawa started to notice the miniscule details he had missed from 50 yards away. Iwaizumi’s skin was tan, less than usual though, maybe because of the winter. His demeanor was the same, his hair unruly and expression standoffish. The same tough exterior Iwaizumi had adorned all throughout adolescence. His face, however, made Oikawa stop in his tracks. It was astounding, and Oikawa could’ve used a million words to describe it.  _ Comforting, passionate, endearing, intense, intimate,  _ **_home_ ** . He couldn’t process the sudden overbearing feeling, the same one that he had grown used to when they were teenagers. After going without feeling the way Iwaizumi made him feel for years, it was terrifying to feel it again. It felt like facing up against something that could kill him with a single touch. And Tooru didn’t realize how much he had missed Iwa’s stupid face until he was staring at it again.  _ Shit,  _ he realized,  _ I’m staring.  _

“Iwa-chan.”

“Oikawa.” Iwa nodded, eyes jumping all over Tooru.

“So you got engaged,” Tooru swallowed whatever hurt was in his voice and put on a face of happiness for Hajime, “Oh! Let me see!” He grabbed Iwaizumi’s left hand, which was sporting a silver engagement band. “How did you pop the question?”

“Well, I-,”

“Oh! My! God! Does this mean you’re not a virgin anymore?”

“I- we’re-“ Hajime was flustered, even more so as he realized Tooru was still holding his hand. He pulled it back, out of Tooru’s grasp, and Tooru ignored the disappointment in his gut at the absence of the familiar warmth. 

“I missed you, Hajime.” He grinned, genuinely happy to see his best friend again. Now that he had seen Iwa, he felt a little more in place in his hometown. 

“Yeah, well, you know the rehearsal dinner’s tomorrow. Please try not to flirt with all of my female coworkers.”

“I would never! Athletic trainers are way too intimidating! Not you though, Iwa-chan~”

“Save your  _ hilarious  _ input during the dinner, would you?”

“I might not be able to, especially not if I want to charm Sashita-chan,”  _ Yes, make him think you’re glad for him,  _ “And I know I said I will hold off on flirting with your coworkers, but I can’t make any promises when it comes to your college classmates!”  _ You  _ **_are_ ** _ glad for him, he’s getting married. He’s getting married. _

“I hate you,” Hajime said, and they continued to exchange witty banter, walking home shoulder to shoulder. 

Oikawa was glad to fall back into the familiar rhythm of what they used to have, even with the foreboding knowledge:  _ He’s getting married _ . Conscious of Iwa’s shoulder next to his, he thanked whatever god was out there for this small solace.  _ I can only be selfish in moments like these, before Iwa-Chan belongs fully to someone else.  _

Even though they never saw each other anymore, Tooru had always thought they would reunite, and stick together like glue. He knew now that it was naïve to think that, as matters such as marriage would take over their lives. Spending the rest of his life separated from Hajime sounded torturous, but it was the harsh reality. They couldn’t be together forever, as they had promised when they were kids.

Slowing to a stop, they stood in front of Iwaizumi’s apartment complex.

“See you tomorrow then, Hajime.”

“Yeah, I’ll see you.” Hajime nodded, reaching out to mess up Tooru’s hair. His calloused fingers gently brushed Oikawa’s scalp, and Tooru revelled at the contact.

“Try not to miss me too much~”

“You are the bane of my existence.”

  
  


依存


	2. Chapter 2

CHAPTER ll 

“Get off me, Trashy Oikawa,” Iwaizumi was lying on his bedroom floor, playing video games. His back had seemed ready to be jumped onto, so Oikawa did just that.  
“Iwa~ you’re so comfortable..” Tooru placed his head in the crook of Hajime’s neck, breathing in his scent, “You’re losing, give it to me. Give it to-,” They wrestled for the remote on the wooden floor, Oikawa finally grabbing it and standing up.  
“I emerge victorious!” He exclaimed, breathless. Iwa’s arms suddenly wrapped around his waist, a strong vise. Tooru’s knees buckled, and he came tumbling to the floor. He lay there, Iwaizumi hovering over him on his elbows. Oikawa stared at Iwa’s neck, watching him struggle for the remote. Tooru held it in his outstretched arm, which was already longer than Hajime’s.   
“A bit short, no?” He breathed into Iwa’s neck.  
“Give me the damn remote.” As he struggled to grasp it, Oikawa elbowed Iwaizumi’s arm that was supporting his body. He fell, his weight coming down on Oikawa. Smothered by Iwaizumi, Oikawa gasped melodramatically.  
“Ah Iwa- I can’t breathe,” Iwaizumi scrambled up, attempting to crawl away after he had snagged the remote.  
“Not so fast, Iwa-chan!” Oikawa pulled on Iwaizumi’s arm, bringing him in close vicinity. Their eyes locked, and some sort of staring contest ensued. Heavy breathing, meaningful intentions. They knew where this was going, even if neither of them wanted to admit it. The question reverberating between them was: How far are you willing to take this?  
“Tooru.” His name being whispered sent chills up Oikawa’s spine.   
“Iwa-,” He was cut off by the door being opened, his mother’s figure coming into vision. They quickly separated, sitting on the wooden floor like furtive dogs.  
“What are you two doing?” She looked disapproving, “You know, you two are nearly men now, what are you doing playing around like children?”  
“We were only..,” Iwa trailed off, uncertain if there was an innocent explanation.  
“Hajime. I don’t want to hear it. I didn’t raise you to be like this.” She shut the door, not softly or harshly, but somehow disdainfully. 

The rest of the afternoon went on as normal, like it never happened. There had been a certain tension in the room after the impromptu appearance of Hajime’s mother, but neither of them dared speak of it. Oikawa left quietly, his heart hurting for an inexplicable reason. Walking home in the dark, guilt and denial punched his gut. He stared into the black night, listened to the crickets sing. I’m not a deviant. This is something he could never have, no matter how much he wanted it. I’m nearly a man now, just as Hajime’s mom said. No time to think about sinking ships, or else he would sink too. Maybe I’ve already sunk.

若い

Odd, Oikawa thought, why was I dreaming about something that happened years ago?   
His phone started buzzing against his old nightstand. He fumbled around for it, hand touching his reading book, his glasses, and finally his phone.  
“Hello?”  
“Oikawa!”  
“Makki?!”  
“You know it! Hey, why don’t you have my number saved, rascal?”  
“Ahh, I got a new phone! Did I not tell you?”  
“You might’ve. I’m terrible at checking texts. Anyways! Have you seen Iwaizumi yet?” Hanamaki’s tone changed subtly.  
“Yes, we’ve talked. I was hoping to see you as well, but it looks like our reunion will be at the dinner tonight!”  
“About that, do you have a suit for the wedding?”  
“It’s the one I wore to the banquet in 2016.”  
“That old thing? We must get you something new!”  
“Makki, my pockets are empty!”  
“You know my uncle owns the tailor shop. You can pay him back.”  
“I doubt-,”  
“Would you want to be seen by all the women in an outdated article of menswear?”  
“Agh, Hanamaki, you always know how to sway me.”

Oikawa arrived at the tailor shop, at which he had met Iwaizumi yesterday. Walking in, he got a fresh breath of nostalgia. The door’s ding, the smell of fabric and the air freshener Hanamaki’s uncle kept in the back. He could vividly remember slumping behind the cashier desk with Iwaizumi and Matsukawa, as Hanamaki rang up customers.   
-  
“Stop. Laughing.” Makki muttered, kicking Oikawa, who was nearest, in the side. The three of them tried to hold in their laughter, as there was a business transaction happening overhead. Earlier, they snuck into the shop owner’s alcohol cabinet, drinking themselves bubbly. Of course, Makki held back, being on a shift. Now, Tooru rested his head on Iwaizumi’s shoulder, not being able to tell right from left, yet somehow completely conscious of Iwa-chan.  
“Iwa-chan, let’s never grow older,” he had whispered, and he wasn’t sure Iwaizumi heard him.  
-

“Tooru-chan, you’ve gotten skinnier somehow!” The old Hanamaki measured Oikawa, and it felt soothing to be doing something familiar. He had modeled for many of their advertisements in the past, having a likable face and strong ties to the company.   
“Well, I probably don’t eat as much junk food as I used to,” he said with a slight grin, thinking of when he and Hajime had dared each other to eat more than the other, and ended up fighting over the toilet. How I wish I could go back to that, but grown men didn’t stuff themselves sick with their best friend.

“Oh! Oikawa! The bachelor party! We have it all planned out! Let me fill you in.” Tooru was envious that he was excluded from the planning, yet relieved. Why am I relieved, my best friend is getting married and I don’t want to be a part of it? I’m a shitty friend. Were they even best friends anymore? They only see each other every few months, and when they do, it’s brief and formal. But if they weren’t best friends, what were they? Companions, mutuals, acquaintances? None of those sounded right. Hajime was only worthy of a title that meant primary.   
“Oh, do tell me, will there be women- oh! Ow!” Makki’s uncle poked Tooru with one of the needles he had in hand, sending a short prick into Oikawa’s side.  
“Now, now, Oikawa.. Hajime’s a committed man these days.” He pretended not to be stung by that comment, which bit more than the needle. Why couldn’t he have committed to me? Though that idea was quickly dismissed, Don’t be silly, you’re both middle aged men, each with separate lives…  
“We’re doing something domestic, yet out of Iwaizumi’s comfort zone; karaoke!” Oikawa’s face was blank, “You don’t seem very excited.”  
“You guys are god awful at planning, I can’t wait to see how this turns out. A bunch of middle aged men watching each other butcher all of the classics,” Oikawa takes a breath, “ruining all of those go-to songs for everyone, and creating a perpetual awkwardness around each other.” He deadpanned, “Just in time for the wedding!”  
“You’re a terrible person.” Makki’s uncle seemed to agree, because he hit Oikawa on the neck with a rolled up magazine, warranting a cheeky smile from him.

思い出

As Oikawa readied himself for the dinner, a combination of unwelcome emotion sat in his belly. He presumed it was because he was about to meet the famous Sashita, the woman domesticating Iwaizumi. The full length mirror resting against his wall portrayed his appearance. as something handsome, but today that was unsatisfactory. Oikawa usually prided himself on his playboy looks, but the thought of wearing that face to this dinner ate him whole.   
An unprecedented image appeared in Oikawa’s head, the face of Sashita Yuki. She materialized as the picture of femininity in his mind, being who Iwaizumi chose to marry. The picture was blurry, as he had only a few chance encounters to base it off of. His brow creased in frustration, as the figurehead of his jealousy took no apparent form, she only taunted him in a way only a woman could. Delving into his past, he tried to conjure a solid vision of her. No luck, as his attention had only ever belonged to Hajime, who had been like a lighthouse in the gray of his past. I will see her tonight, why am I troubling myself? Oikawa came to the profound realization that he would -in fact- be seeing her tonight, which brought a new type of angst.   
I’ll come to the realization she’s much better than me.  
But it’s not a competition, I’m not a woman.  
It definitely feels like one.   
I wish I were a woman.

Light from the setting sun filtered through the window, into the small room. A ray of it bounced off the edge of the mirror, which caught Oikawa’s attention. Reminded of the dinner, he turned away from the mirror and left his room. 

“Oh Tooru, you look handsome. Maybe you can talk to some of the young women at the dinner tonight. I know Hikari-chan’s going to be there,” Oikawa’s mother stood looking him up and down in the living room of their home. She continued to ramble about possible matches for him. Ever since his father had died, she preoccupied herself with frugal matters such as this. He let her, because he wasn’t sure what she would be doing otherwise. His eyebrow quirked, and thankfully she didn't catch it. How he felt about the subject didn’t matter. It was inevitable. Eventually, he would be married and settled down. He despised the idea, I can’t tell her that, though. Maybe someday he’d be ready, but he couldn’t picture it at all.   
When she mentioned Hikari, brief images flashed through Oikawa’s mind, of sitting under the stars together on a hillside, of her telling him she couldn’t date him anymore. Why did she break up with me, again?  
“Anyways, we better be off. Better to get there before dark.”


End file.
